thank u, next
October 2019
Friday night, and you’re at a party in Duboce Triangle. As you step through the door, the last notes of a Post Malone song fade into Ariana Grande.
The table which in college would hold beer pong cups is now laden with food—from a veggie platter to some beautiful cheese arrangements and a plate of cookies someone baked.
“So how do you know Sarah?” an Asian dude in a checkered button-up asks you.
“Uh, we went to UCLA together. Yourself?”
“Nice! Are you from LA? I know Sarah from high school, actually…”
“Ah, you went to Lynbrook as well?” you interject, “My family lives in Cupertino too, super close to there—but I went to Mitty.”
“Oh, no way! I had some friends that went to Mitty! Small world! I almost went to UCLA too, but ended up going to Berkeley for CS. How’d you like LA?”
…[Thank u, next]…
“Where do you work?” a couple asks you.
“Oh, I work at Bain.”
Blank looks. “Never heard of it, what’s that?”
“Oh, it’s a consulting firm…if you’ve heard of McKinsey, we’re one of their big competitors…”
“Oh, consulting! My dad does consulting too, in architecture! What kinds of people do you consult for?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s management consulting – so we basically help businesses solve their problems,” you respond, “Consulting basically means ‘giving advice’, so pretty much anything can be considered consulting...”
“Oh, wow,” they nod, clearly still confused, “that sounds cool…so like, what are some examples of problems you’ve consulted?”
…[Thank u, next]…
Now you’re talking to a well-dressed Asian guy sporting a fade and a black sweater with two white stripes ringing the left sleeve.
“So what do you do?” he asks.
“Oh, I work at Bain,” you reply, “it’s a consulting firm.”
“Of course I know what Bain is,” he scoffs. Mimicking your tone of voice mockingly, he repeats, “it’s a consulting firm.”
Normal voice now. “So how do you like it? You must travel a bunch...”
You shrug noncommittally . “Ehh…. it’s a tough job. Super draining, work a lot, little control over your life. But I mean, I’m 23 and don’t really have a life, so…(you shrug)
But the learning is real, and the career progression is too. People are dope. Plus, I’m too lazy and risk-averse to find another job [wry laugh]. But that’s how they get you, right?”
You both laugh this time.
“What about yourself?” you continue, “where do you work?”
“Oh, I work at TermNow, you probably haven’t heard of it,” he responds, “We’re still super small, like 40 people. We make APIs for loan companies.”
Before you can enter into an inquisitory exchange about where in the fintech landscape his company fits, one of the eight girls at the party sidles up with a bottle of Tito’s and a stack of shot cups.
“We’re all taking a shot in 5 minutes – Sarah’s orders.” She thrusts the stack of cups at us.
“Nah….” you shake your head and right hand, “I can’t do shots...”
A response which in college would have elicited a mocking retort now earns a knowing smile from both parties.
“Dude, I feel you,” the girl says, “my body’s gotten so soft…I remember when I used to be able to go hard then go to an 8am the next day like it was nothing…now I can barely have two beers before getting a hangover....
“But carpe diem, dude! Sarah’s birthday! Just sleep in tomorrow!”
Rather than jump into your sob story about how you can’t sleep in anymore, you acquiesce to take a baby pour. Excusing yourself on a “hunt for chaser”, you promptly switch the cup out for an empty one at the first opportunity. Shot artfully dodged.
…[Thank u, next]…
Indian girl now. “I live in SoMa right now, but I want to move to Hayes Valley or the Mission when my lease ends in a month. What about you?”
“I live in Glen Park.”
Brows furrow “Glen Park? Oh wow, that’s really far south, right? Isn’t that like near San Mateo or something?”
Lmao. “Nah, it’s actually only a BART stop south of 24th Street Mission.”
“Oh wow, interesting. Why would you want to live there though? Sounds like the suburbs…”
…[Thank u, next]…